Wait WHAT.....Twins? Really?

I keep telling myself that everything is going to be okay.....and sometimes I believe it, other times I don't haha.  Well of course I know that one day everything will be okay but the thought of TWO babies AGAIN....well, it's a bit scary.  However, I've done it once and honestly now that the girls are 3 they are SO easy and just ADORE each other.  I just have to keep reminding myself that no matter WHAT happens with the twins that each phase will pass and we WILL get through.

I'm just trying to take it all in.....

I'll be okay with 4 kids....right???

;)

Leslie

TWINS!!!!

Well today at about 3:15pm my husband I found out we are having TWINS.  Yep thats right...TWO babies!  I can't believe it.  I'm only 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant so we were SHOCKED that we could see a heartbeat on one and a fetal pole/yoke sac on the other.  They looked perfect.  Doctor was thrilled with how they look.

God has blessed us in this whole IVF process and I wanted to once again give him ALL the glory for these two babies.  We are so thankful for the doctors and nurses who got us to this point but without God we have NOTHING.  To YOU be the glory God.  This pregnancy is 100% in your hands, may you watch over these two sweet babies as they grow healthy and strong over the next 9 months.

I wanted to give everyone a peek at the twins today.  We are so in love!

Leslie

Ultrasound tomorrow....

I have to admit I'm so ready for tomorrows ultrasound.  I fully understand that I'm VERY early and the ultrasound tomorrow might not show much.  Being only 5 weeks and 5 days tomorrow theres a good chance that all we will see is the sac (or two haha).  I do have a pretty peaceful mind frame about it though and I have a cool story to share that happened to me today;

At church this morning a sweet lady (who I don't know by name, but see her often) came over to me during one the songs and sat down next to me.  She leans over and whispers in my ear "God wanted me to tell you, that everything is going to be okay."  I was so shocked that she said that to me - no one has ever spoken prophetic words over me like that and I have to admit it was pretty crazy.  She didn't know me or my story or what I was going through but she knew that God had given her a message.  Wow.  I know that it is the reason I feel the way I feel right now.  God has gone above and beyond to show me this whole time that he is in control...even when I want to have the control he quickly takes it away from me and proves that He is God.

I will update tomorrow about little bean(s).  Thank you once again for all your prayers and support the last few months.  God is so faithful and has blessed me SO much with such amazing friends.

Leslie

A surprise beta today......

Well today I got a surprise beta blood draw.  I've been VERY sick the last few days with a bad sore throat, fever, and over all feeling that I've been hit by a truck haha.  I called my regular OB because I'm in the "in between" stage of not being released by my RE (fertility dr) and not being able to really go see my primary care doctor.  Anyways, Dr. Mammel sent me to urgent care to get a throat swab, a few tests and also ordered another beta blood draw.  He wanted one after I told him about my bleeding last week.  I got the call about 4:00 with the results.

Just to recap the levels before:

9 days past a 5 day transfer - 238
11 days past a 5 day transfer - 405

And today -
15 days past a 5 day transfer - 2,625

If you go by the betas doubling every 48hrs (which is standard) then my betas went WAY above and beyond that.  I was expecting about 1,600 so I was very pleasantly surprised by the great number!

This will at least put my mind to ease waiting for my first ultrasound on Monday of next week!  Can't wait!  Thanks everyone for your prayers and support the last few months - I couldn't have done it without my sweet friends being SO supportive and of course all the wonderful prayers by family and friends!

The truth...and a BIG God....

I feel like I have been very open with this whole IVF process, as I feel like there is NOTHING for me to hide and there is no shame in infertility treatments.  However, it's taken me a few days to get the courage up to write this post....

The first week after the transfer was pretty up and down.  My emotions were all over the place, from thinking there is no way it could have worked to there is no way it couldn't have worked.  On day 4 after a 5 day transfer I got a VERY light positive pregnancy test on an E.P.T BUT it was after the time aloud for a positive pregnancy read.  I got negatives the rest of the day.  On 5 days past a 5 day transfer I got a negative in the morning (I truly thought it was over at this point).  But that night, I got a clear positive on a First Response Test.  Then 6 days past a 5 day transfer I took a Clear Blue Easy Digital pregnancy test and got a "Pregnant" in minutes.  I couldn't believe it.  It was a glorious days.

Very First VERY Faint Positive - FMU 4dp5dt.  Its so light its VERY hard to see.....but trust me it's there!

5dp5dt in the pm.  Another VERY light positive, but in the light its clearly there.  

6dp5dt am.  And the digital says it all.....

** And now for the bad news.  After just one day of celebration I began to bleed at 7 days past a 5 day transfer.  I called the doctors office to see what they suggested.  They had me start my progesterone injections again and discontinue the progesterone suppositories I was taking.

(Just wanted to give you a visual of what I'm doing every night.   Trust me when I say it actually doesn't hurt!  And yes I give them to myself!)

I also had my blood draw moved up to Wednesday April 13th which would put me at 9 days past a 5 day transfer.  The bleeding was still going strong on the day of beta blood draw.  I was also having A LOT of cramping.  It was very scary and in my heart I really felt like things were not going to turn out good.  When I got the call with my results to my surprise the beta level was 238.  The "normal" level for a blood day 9 days past a 5 day transfer is 80, so mine was VERY high.  I have to admit, I was pretty numb to the idea that things were going to be okay.  I had my repeat beta on Friday (looking for the numbers to come to close to doubling) and it was 405, which wasn't doubling but still a very strong number none the less.  They were satisfied with this number and have scheduled my first ultrasound to be on April 25th at 3:00pm.

I have currently been almost 48hrs bleeding free.  Which is a good sign, of course.  I'm still a little numb to the whole situation but I really believe that is because I have TRULY put my trust in the Lord the last week.  I had a friend *give it to me straight* at lunch recently and it felt good for them to tell me that the way I was acting was NOT evident that I had given it to the Lord.  As much as I didn't want to hear it, it was the truth.  God already knows the outcome for this sweet baby and for me to worry will NOT bring the baby to life or take the baby away.  And right now I am grateful to God for the chance at another child.

Thank you Lord for protecting my feelings, for giving me strength and for once again - Coming Like The Rain....

Leslie

7 days past a 5 day transfter - Bad Day

Today I am broken.  I do not always understand why we have pain, hurt and trouble come into our lives.  I do not understand why I am infertile and so many are not.  I do not understand why my body doesn't do what is asked of it.  I do not understand why this hurts so badly.....

Three years ago to the week we finalized the adoption of our oldest daughter, Kate.  It was honestly one of the proudest moments in my life.  She was 3 months old, healthy, beautiful, sweet and all ours.  After suffering through many rounds of fertility treatments, all of which ended badly, we were blessed with a gift we could never be thankful enough for.  How do you say thank you to someone for giving you something so precious?  How do you look at someone giving up something so precious, hurting so badly because of it and try to understand?  It is hard to truly wrap your brain around how it feels.

I'm sitting in the play room right now, watching her play with her sister.  And once again I'm taken back to the time and place when we first saw her sweet face.  I am overwhelmed with love with her.  I am overwhelmed with love for her birthparents.  And I'm overwhelmed with love for my God.  Through my pain today I am once again reminded of the sweet joy that comes in the midst of the valleys.

A few weeks after we were matched with Kate (she wasn't due to be born for 4 months, so we waited) we found out we were pregnant (with the help of more fertility treatments) with our miracle baby, Ella.  I was 15 weeks pregnant when we took Kate home that day.  We were so overwhelmed with happiness....God provided even when we thought there was no hope.

I look back and try to remember that even though I feel like today there is little hope for more children, my plan for my life is NOT God's plan for my life.  That my timing is NOT God's timing and my pain is no surprise to God.  His peace, mercy and joy always comes in the morning.  No matter what the outcome with this IVF is, my God will still be praised.  I consider my struggle and unique family to be one of my biggest blessings.  However we welcome future children in our family I know that our experience brings us a special out look and love for them.

Please God, I am begging....help me to remember that You are God and I am Not.

Leslie

6 days past a 5 day transfer....

I wanted to introduce you to the "twins."  These are the embryo's that they placed back inside of me on the 5th day after fertilization (aka 5 day transfer).  The one on the left was graded a 3BC and the one in the right was a 1BB. The 3BC was "so-so" and the 1BB was "good".  Although they were only labeled "b" they will always be "a" in my heart haha!  ;)

So far things are going good....I'm keeping my mouth shut on here until Friday!  Then I'll update everything....soooo stay tuned until April 15th!

Leslie

OMGOSH WE HAVE 3 FROZEN EMBYO-BABIES!!!!

I was NOT expecting to get a call today that all three of embryo's that were still growing yesterday would make it to freeze today....but thats the exact call I got.  I was SHOCKED to say the least.  When I asked her more information on them she had to go ask the embryologist who said they were "very good".  They have VERY strict rules on what they freeze so "good" is good enough for me! =)  Last IVF we didn't even get one frozen embryo....so praise the Lord for this awesome news.

Having frozen embryo's can pose a little bit of a dilemma though.  If I do get pregnant this cycle and it's only one baby then we would for sure do a frozen embryo transfer in a few years which would take care of the problem by giving all 3 babies a chance at life!  If however, I get pregnant and deliver twins we would most likely hold on to embryos for a few years and if we feel like we could not handle another child we would adopt them out.  I know that may sound crazy to some people but to give another couple a chance at having a child is something I would LOVE to do.  There are a lot of options for embryo adoption and we would most likely enjoy an "open" adoption if they did indeed get pregnant with our biological child.  

If however, we do not get pregnant at all this cycle we will be able to do a frozen embryo transfer.  Which means I will not have to go through the whole IVF process - it's a lot more like a "natural" cycle.  But I'm not going there mentally just yet! =)

Thats all for now....no pregnancy symptoms just yet haha...but I'll keep everyone posted!

Leslie

IVF#2 - Day 35 - Embryo Transfer (one day late, sorry)

FINAL SHOT COUNT - 51

Sorry I didn't post yesterday.  I had my Embryo Transfer at about 1:00pm.  It went wonderful - it was a perfect transfer.  They transferred two blastocysts one was good quality and one was so-so quality.  I'm not feeling particularly confident or not with this cycle.  I feel content.  I did absolutely EVERYTHING they asked of me and now it is out of my hands and into God's hands.

I'm just overwhelmed by the amount of prayers and support I've gotten from my friends over these two months.  It's truly humbling to know you and your unborn child/ren are so loved and prayed for.  Thank you to everyone who has called and offer support and words of encouragement and for those of you who have simply prayed.  It means more to me then I can ever express.

For now I will sit back and allow God and his nature to take its course, I will pray for a positive outcome but mostly I will be praying for God's will to be known.  For peace over my body and the situation and for others struggling with Infertility to feel like they are not alone.  God you are good, all the time.....

Leslie

IVF# 2 - Day 32

Total Shot Count - 49

Well, we are almost to the end.  I can't believe it.  I got a phone call this morning saying that I still have 6 wonderful embryos growing strong and the other 4 are just a little behind.  Things look perfect.  I was told to NOT come in this morning for the egg transfer and they would call me in the morning about coming in tomorrow or Monday.  So again, I wait!  I've learned so much about letting go and letting God in this process - patience is all I can have in this situation.  When I feel like I can't go on, I can't move forward and this burden is too big to carry on my knees I go - It's the only place I am restored.  I'm trusting in a big big God right now and his will for my life.  

Lord help me to see your plan for my life and accept it, no matter what it is.  Please Lord, cover me in your rain.

Leslie

No IVF post today....

*As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands
And praise the God who gives and takes away*


Rest In Peace, Cathy Asbridge - you are dearly loved.....