Well I'm here in my dark place. The place I hoped I wouldn't get to but here I am none-the-less. It's pretty awful feeling the way I do physically and then I get the comments of "Oh but they need to be in as long as they can" and "you don't want a preemie" and then my favorite "I have a friend who went to 40 weeks with twins". Well all those are great and fine but until you have carried twins in your belly and felt the pain and weight of the situation I prefer if you just say, I'm praying for you Leslie, you can do it. That's all I need to hear. I fully understand that having a preemie is not ideal, I fully understand that a lot of woman make it to 40 weeks (although MOST don't even come close to it). And I fully understand that they need to "cook" for as long as they can. Thank you for your advice but like I said until you have been pregnant with twins and felt the toll it takes on your body, it's best to just pray for your friends. It's not easy, it's not fun and it's not cute. Am I grateful? OF COURSE I AM. These are such miracle babies and my husband and I want NOTHING more than for them to be full term healthy babies. But that doesn't make the pain and depression I'm feeling any better. I feel SO guilty that I can't be the mom to my two little girls that I want to be. I feel SO guilty that my husband has to do 99.9% of the things around the house. I want to be able to tuck my kids in at night, I want to do the laundry, I want to get them ready for school - but I can't and I hate it.
I was texting with my friend in China back and forth for about 30 minutes today and she really helped to pull me out from my funk today. She recently went through a very hard time and reminded me that no one or nothing can bring you out from the dark place. ONLY through God and seeking after him can you come to a place of acceptance and healing. I know my body will be tested to the max the next few weeks. I know that there isn't a human on this earth that can make my physical pain go away but I do know I have a heavenly father that can show me his love and mercy and healing powers. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
I am grateful for friends who remind me to pray, who pray for me and don't tell me things I already know. Thank you Lord for showing your mercy on me and giving me a friend just when I needed it to hear your message - all the way from China.