Friday, November 4, 2011

My dark place....

Well I'm here in my dark place.  The place I hoped I wouldn't get to but here I am none-the-less.  It's pretty awful feeling the way I do physically and then I get the comments of "Oh but they need to be in as long as they can" and "you don't want a preemie" and then my favorite "I have a friend who went to 40 weeks with twins".  Well all those are great and fine but until you have carried twins in your belly and felt the pain and weight of the situation I prefer if you just say, I'm praying for you Leslie, you can do it.  That's all I need to hear.  I fully understand that having a preemie is not ideal, I fully understand that a lot of woman make it to 40 weeks (although MOST don't even come close to it). And I fully understand that they need to "cook" for as long as they can.  Thank you for your advice but like I said until you have been pregnant with twins and felt the toll it takes on your body, it's best to just pray for your friends.  It's not easy, it's not fun and it's not cute.  Am I grateful?  OF COURSE I AM.  These are such miracle babies and my husband and I want NOTHING more than for them to be full term healthy babies.  But that doesn't make the pain and depression I'm feeling any better.  I feel SO guilty that I can't be the mom to my two little girls that I want to be.  I feel SO guilty that my husband has to do 99.9% of the things around the house.  I want to be able to tuck my kids in at night, I want to do the laundry, I want to get them ready for school - but I can't and I hate it.

I was texting with my friend in China back and forth for about 30 minutes today and she really helped to pull me out from my funk today.  She recently went through a very hard time and reminded me that no one or nothing can bring you out from the dark place.  ONLY through God and seeking after him can you come to a place of acceptance and healing.  I know my body will be tested to the max the next few weeks.  I know that there isn't a human on this earth that can make my physical pain go away but I do know I have a heavenly father that can show me his love and mercy and healing powers.  I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

I am grateful for friends who remind me to pray, who pray for me and don't tell me things I already know.  Thank you Lord for showing your mercy on me and giving me a friend just when I needed it to hear your message - all the way from China.

Leslie

5 comments:

Ashley said...

Thank you Lord for Leslie, these sweet babies, Brett, Katie-Kate, Ella Blondell, Jessica and for text messaging!!! BIG hug to you, Les!!

Courtney B said...

Prayers for you. I KNOW firsthand how hard a twin pregnancy is and how bad it hurts! I felt the EXACT same way you do. Prayers that you are more comfortable soon. And major fist-bumps for making it this far!

kEllEy_G said...

Praying for you today & the days to come, Leslie! Having been in a dark place for a while now, I can relate to a lot of what you wrote...obviously for different reasons. But our God is bigger...He is the healer of our hearts & bodies. Love ya girl!!!

Jon, Jessica and Grace Nelson said...

Love you. Love those babies already too. I am full of joy now seeing their precious faces. They are such gifts from God.

hunt2005 said...

We've all been there, I still to this day feel bad for the number of times I cried and begged for the docs at 31/32 weeks to just let me have my babies because I was DONE. I know that even after having my 33 weekers, if I was in the same place again, that would be my first thought. Do I wish I could have carried them longer? Absolutely, but there is only so much that a body can take... praying for you and your sweet babies!!