Sunday, June 22, 2014

So, here's the ugly truth....

I've come to the realization that I'm not who I say I am, I'm not who I think I am.  I am nothing. I didn't realize that a few weeks ago. And here's the cool thing, I don't mean that in a depressing, poor me, I am nothing without God cliche. This is what I actually mean - I am nothing. The John 3:30 nothing - He must become grater and I must become less. I may look like I have it all together on the outside. A handsome husband, 4 amazing kids, a big house, nice cars, an education and getting more of that as we speak (the list goes on). But here's the thing - I'm a jealous fool.  I look at what everyone else has and I want it too. I literally fight my flesh every single day of my life, but I bet if we are really honest with ourselves (painfully honest) we would admit that we all do. I'm a wife of a pastor who hasn't cracked her bible in weeks and before that - months.  I'm real, I'm honest, I'm fierce, I'm a cusser, I hate legalism, When I say I'm going to do something - I do it.  I'm strong willed, I'm a natural leader, I think everyone should adopt a child (yep I actually believe that and you can't convenes me otherwise.) I'm  called to the ministry and I'm scared to death - did you just read the list of my flaws?  I am nothing. I am nobody. I will never be a household name. But I will always love Jesus. I knew I was called into the ministry as a teenager - I didn't listen then. But I'm listening now. I'm sorry Lord - I'm Sorry that it took me 31 years to say yes to you.

I deactivated my Facebook account about two weeks ago and haven't looked back. I've realized that I don't need validation from people only seeing the good part of me and it's freeing. More free than I've been in the 5 or more years I've been on Facebook. I may be the last one to find out the latest gossip but maybe that's ok. It's ok to keep reminding myself that I am nothing. And maybe that nothing can become peace in my spirit. Maybe that nothing will start to bring joy to my foolish, ugly, prideful, hateful heart.

Jesus rescue me before it's too late - because being good enough in the flesh, isn't really good enough at all. Being 100% sold out to the ministry that I'm called to do - now that is good. That's worth fighting for. That's worth spending the next 3 full years in school reminding myself I am nothing but he is everything.

I love you Jesus thank you for loving me back.



Anonymous said...

You are EVERYTHING! Shift your focus. Learn to love and accept yourself, and THEN you can better serve others. You are beautiful and you are everything.

Anonymous said...

We don't know each other, but I stumbled across your blog when I started my IVF treatment. (We had one unsuccessful round, but am currently pregnant with a precious baby girl due in November!)

I thought you had stopped blogging, but I just happened to check today because I was looking up one of your old posts from 2011 from when you were pregnant. (Sometimes when I get nervous about a pregnancy symptom, it helps me to read about other IVF moms' experiences.) I couldn't have picked a better time to check, because I can so relate to your current post. I have been beating myself up this afternoon about being a "bad" person for being envious of others, when in fact, I have a wonderful life. It made me feel a lot better to know that there are other Christians fighting the same temptations.

I deactivated my Facebook account about three months ago, and in a weak moment, logged in today and reactivated it. Big mistake. I've found that, with Facebook, ignorance is bliss. :) Trust me, I'll be deactivating my account again today, and hopefully will stay away from it forever! I reminded myself that, long before Facebook, I always found out about the truly important stuff in other ways, so there is no need for FB now!

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you, and that I wish you the best in everything.

Tiffany Kirkhart said...

This is exactly what I needed to read tonight, the extra push to help me make the right decision for myself. I have recently realized the strong hold that social media/Facebook has on my life. This past week while visiting with my g-ma I found myself checking Facebook to see what everyone was up to rather than cherishing these precious times with her. So I will also make the decision to delete my Facebook and really enjoy life and my family and true friends! Thank you Leslie, you're truly an inspiration!