Well that was a short week. Why do vacations take SO long to get here and then FLY by while you are in the moment? We had a wonderful time in Mexico with our sweet friends, we laughed (and cried haha) shared some awesome conversations, enjoyed the Mexican sun (and got the tan lines to prove that), and ate any and everything we could get our hands on! But as always there is NOTHING better than getting home to see your children.
This was our first "real adult vacation" with friends and it was so much better than I could have planned. It's so very hard to step out of your life, even for just a few days and be separated from the rest of the world. It's funny because when I am home I can hardly go a few hours without checking my email or Facebook, but when you are so far away that you have no choice but to leave it alone it's amazing how much those things really don't matter.
I've had a lot on my mind lately. I *think* I'm starting to finally accept that fact that we are going to have 4 children. But some days I wake up and I think it's all a crazy dream. I mean how could I have not known that this would happen to us? We did IVF I should have expected it, right? WRONG. When you suffer in fertility you can hardly believe you can get pregnant with ONE baby much less two (or more). I know that in all of this God has a plan. But I start to dream and let my mind go places it shouldn't go and I wonder what this many kids will do to our marriage, to our girls, to our finances. I understand that I'm grieving our "old life" and starting to realize that things will never be the same again. It won't just be Kate and Ella anymore it will be Kate, Ella and the twins. Wow twins. Saying it still takes my breath away.
I think in my mind I've had this dream of picking up and going somewhere one day....anywhere. I want to serve God, people, and my true passion - the church. And I worry that 4 kids means none of these things will happen. But then I realize that I will only be 28 when the twins are born. I have A LOT of living to do still. I'm reminded that there are PLENY of people serving God out there with far more children than 4. I remember that God is far bigger than 4 children. And I remember that my children are a beautiful gift from God not a road block. God will show up in a big way to use our family in a big way. We just have to be open and willing to listen.
Lord, please continue to give me strength - I fully understand that our future will be anything but "easy." Show me how to trust you when I don't feel like I can't trust anything anymore. Help me to put getting into your word at the top of my "to-do" list every single morning. Teach me how to pray for and with my children so I don't have to "worry" about their futures. Help me to remember that YOU are their father and your protection is far grater than anything Brett and I could provide for their sweet little lives. You are God and we are not.