Monday, January 10, 2011

Today I am broken....

Today I am broken before the Lord once again.

I had my cycle day 3 ultrasound today to check for any cysts before moving forward with our new drug + trigger shot + IUI.  I sat in the cold sterile room remembering I had been there before.  I saw the empty ultrasound machine which was on and facing me and I knew when she went to use it she wouldn't be looking for a baby but for my broken parts making sure things look "decent" so we could start this whole process.  I feel numb.  I feel sad.  I feel defeated.  But in it all I feel hope in a big big God.  Everything was fine with the ultrasound and I start my new medicine tomorrow night but as I left I had a deep pit in my stomach - I knew I would be back.  I know this long road because I been on it before.  I want to get off this path and get on the "easy" path but I know this is God's "path" for me.  He knows that in the midst of my pain and heart ache that is where I find the great God of mercy and grace.

Today I thought about my sweet friends who are able to get pregnant so easy and I day dream about what it must feel like.  To not have to pay more than some people make in a year to just have one child.  To not have to drive 45 minute ONE way just to spend 10 minutes at a very unpleasant doctors appointment.  I've given myself more shots in a month than most people have in a life time and given more blood then I thought my body could make haha.  But then I remember why God chose this for my life.  I think of the sweet sweet moment when my first daughter, Kate, was placed in my arms by her loving birth mom and the tears start to come.  I remember holding her so tight when we brought her home with her sweet little face pressed up against mine I promised her I would give her everything her birth mother wanted for her.  I also promised her I would never let her forget where she came from.  She came from the deepest part of my heart.  The places you can't even begin to tap into until you have been there.  She came from God.

I left the doctors office today an emotional wreck.  I called my dad...he always makes things better.  See my dad has been there too - he's felt defeated - he's felt broken - he's felt pain.  He beat cancer when he was told he had a 4% chance to live.  He may not understand infertility but he understands his little girl is hurting and he understands hurt.  He tells me the things I need to hear not the things I want to hear.  He always tells me God is in control and he always tells me that my children are different, set apart, special.  I am blessed to have a father who loves the Lord, who believes in miracles and who has special way with showing his love.

After I talked to my dad - I knew I needed a heart to heart with my Heavenly Father.  I was broken before him and he came - he came like the rain.  He always does.  Today he did not one but TWO very miraculous things just to remind me...he is God.  And tonight my heart is full of my Heavenly Fathers hope and peace.  I'm once again reminded of the joy that is coming our way with our precious foster children.  What a blessing ALL children are, especially the ones that God allows us to have after a long hard battle.

God to YOU be the glory, honor and power.  You have my life once again and I trust that you have bigger plans for us than we could ever imagine.  Your peace reigns once again.  Bless God - I believe.



Johanna adkins said...

Leslie what an awesome testimony. God has truly blessed u and Brett with ur girls. Josh and I will soon start on our journey to add to our family and no matter what is put in our path God has blessed me with someone like u. You are such a strong woman and I'm honored to know u.

Ida said...

Beautiful. Thank you for being honest about your struggles and your pain and for also sharing in your excitement about the future. I love you, friend!!

Matthew said...

Leslie, I don't know if Brett shared it with you or not, but my wife and I have been there and went to the same office...they are amazing! Thanks for sharing and being so honest.

Ashley said...

Galatians 6:2 "Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of christ." This is what i love about blogging...its a platform, a testimony, and a way to journal and be real with yourself. Thank you for sharing your heart on here. It will touch many many lives, including my own. I will be praying for you everyday.