Monday, April 11, 2011

7 days past a 5 day transfter - Bad Day

Today I am broken.  I do not always understand why we have pain, hurt and trouble come into our lives.  I do not understand why I am infertile and so many are not.  I do not understand why my body doesn't do what is asked of it.  I do not understand why this hurts so badly.....

Three years ago to the week we finalized the adoption of our oldest daughter, Kate.  It was honestly one of the proudest moments in my life.  She was 3 months old, healthy, beautiful, sweet and all ours.  After suffering through many rounds of fertility treatments, all of which ended badly, we were blessed with a gift we could never be thankful enough for.  How do you say thank you to someone for giving you something so precious?  How do you look at someone giving up something so precious, hurting so badly because of it and try to understand?  It is hard to truly wrap your brain around how it feels.

I'm sitting in the play room right now, watching her play with her sister.  And once again I'm taken back to the time and place when we first saw her sweet face.  I am overwhelmed with love with her.  I am overwhelmed with love for her birthparents.  And I'm overwhelmed with love for my God.  Through my pain today I am once again reminded of the sweet joy that comes in the midst of the valleys.

A few weeks after we were matched with Kate (she wasn't due to be born for 4 months, so we waited) we found out we were pregnant (with the help of more fertility treatments) with our miracle baby, Ella.  I was 15 weeks pregnant when we took Kate home that day.  We were so overwhelmed with happiness....God provided even when we thought there was no hope.

I look back and try to remember that even though I feel like today there is little hope for more children, my plan for my life is NOT God's plan for my life.  That my timing is NOT God's timing and my pain is no surprise to God.  His peace, mercy and joy always comes in the morning.  No matter what the outcome with this IVF is, my God will still be praised.  I consider my struggle and unique family to be one of my biggest blessings.  However we welcome future children in our family I know that our experience brings us a special out look and love for them.

Please God, I am begging....help me to remember that You are God and I am Not.

Leslie

3 comments:

Aimee Reed said...

Leslie,

You are such a sweet and precious lady. Your words are powerful because they are offered in full surrender and in honest desperation for your Lord. You inspire me because what I read in your words more than a desire for a baby is a hunger for God, a "wanting" for the revelation of truth, his plan for your life, a desire to pour out yourself as an offering to Him, no matter what....and without recompense. This kind of fervor is what moves the heart of God. It's what brought power and annointing and honor in every bible story we've ever read! It's the type of steadfastness that enabled God to use his disciples mightily to win nations to him. It's this type of devotion, despite personal gain that brings the Glory! They did win,,,,,despite how it looked on this side. He is teaching you. He is showing HImself strong in you. You are growing mighty in HIm. I really just wanted to share that with you. Because at times when we are in those valleys, it is difficult to see anything happening or to believe that things are progressing. But, I'm here to tell you friend.....you are moving higher!
Much love,
Aimee

kEllEy_G said...

Oh Leslie...so much of your heart in this post. I'm praying for you, girl.

~Jess said...

Beautiful post! How hard it is to remember "Not my will, but Your's be done".



Bumpie: WhiteysWifey