Wednesday, March 30, 2011

A day of worry....

I admit it....I'm not perfect (duh haha).  Its 3:30am on the day of my egg retrieval and I have a pit in my stomach that something is very very wrong.  Two days ago (day of Trigger Shot) I was so "full" of eggs I could hardly sit down.  I was in pain when I moved and felt nausea almost  Yesterday and this morning my symptoms have slowly gone from painful to literally feeling 100% fine, like I never did IVF and like my eggs are gone.  In a very small percent of woman you can ovulate your eggs too soon, before they are able to harvest them.  You could say I'm over reacting and everything will be fine but in my heart of hearts I know something is very wrong.

I'm crying out to God tonight for many different reasons, for my IVF cycle, for my decisions with moving forward to even do IVF and for the loss of a dear dear friend today to cancer.  I would be foolish to say that I don't question the decision to add more to our family.   I question it a lot.  I don't feel in my heart of hearts that IVF and the like are a "wrong" decisions but I worry that maybe I'm pushing my body and my mind to the limit.  Maybe I'm playing God and forcing his hand at something that he doesn't want for my family.  I'm not saying this to say that what I'm doing is WRONG, please hear me on this. I'm saying this because I'm worried sick that maybe I won't ever feel the joy of another pregnancy and birth again.  Maybe I won't ever cuddle another one of my newborn babies at 1:00am.  Maybe I'm not meant to mother others.

I'm struggling from a place of pure mental torture right now.  I'm struggling from a place deep in my heart that if I allow myself to go there, maybe I won't come back?  The feelings of emptiness in my heart that I felt 4 years ago, before I had any children are flooding my mind tonight.  Am I following after my dream for my life or am I following after God's will for my life?  Does he even want this for me?  If not, then why are the feelings SO strong to have another child?  If I shouldn't have another child then Lord please please please take away my desire.  Take away anything that is not of you and take away anything that is clouding my view of your glory in my life.  If your desire is for us to have another child, then please Lord, let it be.

Tonight, I'm scared, I'm struggling, I'm worried, I'm tired and I'm sad.  But I know that no matter what happens in a few hours...HE IS GOD AND I AM NOT.  And to fully accept that is to fully surrender my pain, my family, my future and my life to the one that always, without a doubt, comes like the rain....


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